CHICAGO, Ill. – Parents, your suspicions are confirmed: most babies prefer pooping in freshly-changed diapers, a new study shows.
The research team at Huggies, the diaper mega-brand, announced the results of their three-year longitudinal study. “We’re pleased to release these new findings,” said researcher Devin Lewis. “It confirms what we – and every parent in the history of mankind – already suspected: that our babies really do prefer waiting to deliver a nice, stinky poop until right after Mom or Dad changes their diaper.”
Out of 1,200 babies surveyed, nearly 68% responded affirmatively when asked, “Do you prefer to poop in a nice, clean diaper, preferably one that your parents just changed, like, 60 seconds ago?” The alternative situation, where babies pooped at times that we were even remotely convenient, were found to be so rare as to not even register on the final report. Many parents, like 30-year Baltimore native Dawn Wilson, said that the findings are not surprising. “I’m not at all surprised,” she told reporters. “I swear, this little stinker of mine knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s cunning. He times it perfectly, I swear. I mean, the quickest way to get that kid to poop? Change his diaper. So frustrating.”
The study also found that babies have a fondness for soiling their diapers with foul-smelling, mustard-colored feces as soon as they’re strapped into a car seat. “We can’t help but think there’s a connection,” said Lewis. “Obviously, babies can’t communicate verbally, but we’re finding that the timing of their defecation must certainly be more than random.”